metamorphosis

met·a·mor·pho·sis

[met-uh-mawr-fuh-sis]

1. Biology . a profound change in form from one stage to the in the life history of an organism, as from the caterpillar to the pupa from the pupa to the adult butterfly.

(this is the only bug photo of mine readily accessible)

when i was little, i loved bugs. yes, you read that correctly. insects. 6-legged creatures with an exo-skeleton. from ladybugs to flutter-bys. from walking sticks to praying-mantis'. yes, even arachnids. i studied them outside. i read books about them. i captured them in my bug box. when i was in kindergarten (i actually remember doing this), there was a tree on the playground that always had ladybugson it. so, one day, i captured a few and made them a home in the clear plastic front pocket of my pink nylon backpack. it had ballerina slippers on it. (i don't have ANY idea way i would have wanted a backpack with ballerina slippers...never a ballerina...and never really liked pink) i made sure they had fresh aphids every day, and plenty of leaves and sticks. a few days later, i noticed some little yellow dots...eggs! some time after that the black larvae with orange spots emerged. eventually, the larvae turned into a chrysalis. from which the beautiful ladybugs slowly emancipated themselves. they originate as a goldish-orange color, and slowly change to red, with spots. my mother was slightly appalled that her daughter was hatching ladybugs... in her school backpack, no less...but thats beside the point.

as i think back to watching these creatures change from one form to another, i am reminded to how easy it is for them. it is entirely natural to be a funny little worm-like thing one day, but transform into an adorable, little, spotted, flying ladybug the next! they don't fight the change. i can't imagine they curse their life. and they certainly are not angry at God for their circumstances. you could even go so far as to say they morph with grace.

if only we could be THAT graceful. at this transition point in our lives, we are looking for what God has next. we know He has something better for us. we know He will take us to a place where he can use us, and work through us. but it's the getting there that is the hard part. instead of gracefully walking His direction, it's taking all my will-power not go kicking and screaming, and fighting every step of the way.

for anyone who doesn't know, pastor boy (my hubby) lost his job a month ago. he was the high school director at a church with a steady, thriving high school group of over 100, and was laid off due to "reductions in force." it was heartbreaking. with no warning, he was asked to turn in his keys and walk away. we weren't even going to be able to say goodbye to our students, but thankfully, someone stepped in on our behalf. that week was the hardest week of my life, thus far. after the inital shock, the realization set in that our wednesday nights, monday nights, saturdays, and sundays would no longer be filled with the craziness of high school life. from events, to sunday school, to bible studies...it was gone. over in an instant. we shared tears, and fears, and memories. even still, it brings tears to my eyes. the hurt is still in my heart, and will be...probably for years. but we know, down deep, we really know that God was releasing us for a greater adventure on his behalf.

now, perhaps, you can understand why half of my being is kicking and screaming, and the other half is dragging the former away and toward His desires for my life. i have watched my junior girls grow and mature in a myriad of ways. some of them are truly understanding what it means to live for Christ, and i am incredibly honored to have been a part of helping them grow. some of them have walked away, and while i understand that is part of life, it still breaks my heart. i pray for them consistently. some are realizing how their passions can be used to further his kingdom, and some are just in the beginning stages of learning about God's love, and how it pertains to them, and i pray that they can continue to grow.

i feel like i'm in the chrysalis stage of that bugs life. God has taken everything i know as my life, and changed it. our lease on our apartment is up in less than a month, pastor boy and i both have birthdays in september, and the lay-off was the last day of august. its been a month of turmoil, and frustrations, but also a month of growth. i feel like i'm wrapped in a tight cocoon, but i'm eager to see whats on the other side. i'm working on gracefully emerging on the other side, a shiny, ladybug...

"God- give me the peace and patience to get through these days of unknown. remind me that you're in control."